I'm upset. I'm very upset. My feet hurt, my long nails irritate me, and my fake lashes won't stay out of my eyes, so I'm a little frustrated. But I'm more upset because I'm doing these things not because I want to, but because my mother insists that this is how a woman should look, and of course, how else would I find a husband to marry? I'm even more irritated she believes my refusal to do these things allows others to criticize her for being a horrible mother and failing to raise a "good daughter."

Finding, knowing, and understanding oneself has been a human challenge from the beginning of time. The popularization and knowledge of the fluidity that exists with and within identities have compounded this challenge in the last two to three decades. However, change or even fluidity may be challenging to digest for a society that has advanced with particular living patterns as expectations and standards. This is the problem of a gender-fluid woman born in millennial times whose gender expectations do not match her gender expressions.

From as early as my childhood, gender expectations regarding what a woman should look, dress and sound like were my first ever life lessons. Girls were raised a certain way, different from boys. This agreed with Tobi Rollo when he referenced Maccoby (1988) by saying that it is as children that we are socialized into gender roles and first acquire patterns of heteropatriarchal thinking and behaviour. He adds that to overlook childhood is to overlook one of the most significant moments in the reproduction of patriarchy. Girls, where I come from, are generally socialized to believe their whole life is an audition for marriage. To qualify for this role, you must be submissive and digestible to the man, you must dress and look in ways that men have defined as beautiful, be the damsel in distress to be saved by the man. Dressing in ways that are societally defined as masculine is considered unattractive and a threat to men's masculinities. 

When discussing the gendered nature of defense issues, Maya Eichler points out that the military, as a gendered institution, favors traits stereotypically associated with dominant masculinity, like strength, aggression, courage, and toughness, over traits stereotypically associated with femininity, such as pacifism, empathy, vulnerability, or weakness. And so, while my mother was very concerned with many ways I had to live to fit into the gender expectations assigned to me, physical appearance appeared to be her most significant concern. It was almost as if it was a testament of how good of a mother she was that I was "girly' enough and my brothers were rough and masculine enough. I was signed up for school pageants, sent to etiquette school, and met with only females. I was taught how to walk, eat, sit, dress, speak slowly, lowly and only when spoken to. This was the kind of woman I was raised to be. While this is no spite to women who choose this way, I realized it is not the woman I am. I did not like pink, heeled shoes hurt my feet, makeup is not enjoyable for me, I do not want to get married or have children, and I don't enjoy cooking. The reality of the woman I am broke my mother's heart. I was not the daughter she hoped to have, and fitting into her expectations would hurt my life. This polarization in personal expressions and gender expectations challenges everyday living. 

I have a great mother, and she did all she did to ensure her daughter was appealing enough to be chosen for marriage. Marriage (a patriarchal institution where a woman is expected to serve her husband) is another expectation for women where I come from. Only when a woman attains marital status and has children can she indeed be considered a complete and true woman. My mother wanted me to be accepted as a true woman. Because, these expectations have proven to be for the consumption and satisfaction of men, the aversion to these standards seem rebellious. This means that women who don't fall within a specific category are not considered women enough or are assumed to be unhappy and lonely, insinuating that happiness and completion are tied to their proximity to a man. So, I am angry that while I fit in my own body, I am odd according to society's definition of womanhood, and like this year's international women's day theme suggests, I look forward to a world where the bias is broken and where difference is celebrated and valued.